our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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