where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Randomize