The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
