drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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