he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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