apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
