I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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