I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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