My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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