well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
