Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize