Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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