i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
