do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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