You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
