I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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