I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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