Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
