god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
