dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
