i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
