Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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