Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
