Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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