Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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