whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
