if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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