The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
