Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
