i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
