So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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