I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
