he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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