I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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