omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
operation have a gay friend backfired
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
