I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
