3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
