theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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