im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
