my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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