My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
