i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
