Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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