OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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