Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
