After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
