I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
