just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
