u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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