Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
