I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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