I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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