I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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