Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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