dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
