Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
