You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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