Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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