Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
