I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
