Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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